3 Aug

Playing poker and drugs

This is a parody


Chemical name : Canabis Sativa

Common street names : Weed, grass, dope

Using Marijuana at the poker table :

You giggle through the first 3 blind levels, the dealer has to ask you repeatedly to act on your turn. Your fumble your chips, drop them off the table then get a spasm in your hand while trying to riffle, by this time everyone is staring at you and you eventually become paranoid and introverted. You speak to no one and start trying to read everyone around you, you even start trying to get reads on the dealer and people not even in the hand. You do your stack when you call an all in on a flop of q22, and turn over j7 off and realize you folded q2 4 hands ago.

Probable quote : How much must I call again ?


Chemical Name : Methylenedioxymethamphetamine

Common street names : pills, x

Using Extasy at the poker table :

You offer to give everyone a lollipop and a massage. You try give chips to the guy next to you cause the two of you had a moment and are now best friends. You feel terrible when you elliminate someone and ask the dealer to give them some of your chips.

They eventually throw you out for repeatedly blowing your rave whistle in the dealer’s ear.

Probable quote : Gee, you guys are the nicest people I have ever met, I love all of you. Lets get together soon hey, and we can all hang out!


Chemical name : Phencyclidine

Common Street names : angel dust, pcp

Using pcp at the poker table :

You watch yourself playing from the ceiling of the casino for a while then start freaking out because there are giant worms crawling out of the felt.
You get thrown out of the casino and later follow the dealer home, slit her throat and eat her lungs.
You spend the rest of your days hustling other inmates for cigarettes.



Chemical Name : Psilocybin

Common street names : magic mushrooms, shrooms

Using mushrooms at the poker table :

You giggle every time the dealer says your name or addresses you. You then suffer a bad beat and then blame the dealer for giving you a bad trip.
You are convinced the dude in the cut off seat is a narc.
You do your stack after looking at the same hole card twice and think you have a pocket pair.

Probable Quote : GEEEZ! this shit is like acid heeeey ?? what a hectic trip!


Chemical name : Diacetylmorphine

Common street names : Smack, Junk, “H”, horse

Using heroin at the poker table :

You start rushing and slide off your chair and fall to a heap on the floor.
You get blinded out after getting carried out the casino where you just lie outside on the floor. Everything is hazy and your throat is dry.

Probable Quote : sheesh maaan, can shomeone perhapsh tell me where I finished in the tourney? AH fuckit, doeshnt matter…

Crystal Meth

Chemical Name : Methamphetamine

Common Street names : Meth, Crank, Tik, Crypto, Crystal

Using meth at the poker table :

You play for 3 days straight without sleeping or eating.
Youre convinced you have thenuts every hand and lose a small fortune.
You shag a couple of random girls in the bathroom and dont remember their names.
You eventually get thrown out of the casino for throwing a chair at a dealer who dealt you 72 off twice in a row.

Probable Quote : Sleep? fuck sleep man, and fuck you I’ll fucking cut your fucking throat you mother fucker!!!


Chemical name : Lysergic Acid Diethalamyde

Common street names : Acid, trips, papers, stamps

Using LSD at the poker table :

You keep staring at your chips because they are so brightly coloured. The dealer has to ask you a few times to stop rubbing the felt cause you have rubbed a hole in it so you start rubbing the shaven head of the guy sitting next to you.
You try and psychoanalyze everyone at the table with your new found wisdom.

You eventually do your stack cause you wanted to see if an indigo coloured card was going to appear on the river after seeing a rainbow flop.

Probable quote : SHOOOWEEEEE  WOW! FUCK ME! My chips are floating!


Chemical name : benzoylmethyl-ecgonine

Common street names : coke, powder, shnarf

Using Coke at the poker table :

You’re loud, brash, aggressive and obnoxious. No one at your table wants to talk to you so you raise your voice even louder. You keep trying to help the dealer count pots (incorrectly) You keep missing hands on your big blind because you’re in the bathroom doing another line. You eventually do your stack trying to bluff someone with 72 off while staring them in the face but instead of raising with your 72 off, you call his all in. You then throw wads of cash at the dealer so you can rebuy but this isnt a rebuy tourney. You spend the rest of the night railing your buddies on other tables and urging them to call any raise “cause the other dude hasnt got shit!”

Probable Quote : “heyman!hurryupandfold!Iwannaplay!thissucksimgoingtogodoanotherline”

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